Whew! No Antichrist This Year!

Ed Uthman, MD

Diplomate, American Board of Pathology

14 Apr 2001

Although secular scholars consider the Book of Revelation of St. John the Divine to be a political screed against Rome dressed up in an imaginative allegory, other experts have interpreted some passages to suggest that the Antichrist will be born here in South Texas. You never know who's right in these academic debates, so to play it safe, I keep an eye on any apocalyptic portents that may come my way. In particular, each year's surgical pathology case number 666 catches my attention, especially since it tends to fall near Easter.

Last year, case 666 was oviduct segments from a tubal ligation, indicating that the Forces of Good were able to prevent the conception of Satan's Spawn and permanently deny that particular vessel to the Pernicious Seed. This year, however, case 666 was products of conception from a missed abortion. Not only does this raise serious theological questions (the Forces of Good resorting to abortion), but it suggests to me that the Lord of Darkness is getting farther along in his plans. Next year's specimen number 666 may fall square on Easter Sunday and consist of a normal term placenta.

Although I'll be old and gray (or worse) before A.C. comes to maturity and starts doing big-scale evil, I'm concerned that mere propinquity to his origins will result in my being regarded as some sort of Antisaint in the future. Possibly some species of mosquito or instrument of torture will be named after Edward the Damned of Sharpstown. Accordingly, I would like to issue a general disclaimer that I am just a humble pathologist doing my job, even if that job entails examination of the Unholy Afterbirth. The Satanic Secundines will get charged as an 88307, just like any other placenta, and if Inferno Insurance refuses to pay up, their client will get turned over to collection, just like everyone else.

One has to set standards.