Endnotes For
"From Gender Vertigo
to Gender Peace"



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  1. The term, "savage sacrament" was coined by Catholic feminist theologian Eileen Zieget Silberman in her book, The Savage Sacrament: A Theology of Marriage After American Feminism (Mystic, CT: Twenty-Third Publications, 1983).

  2. Pepper Schwartz appeared on Oprah in January 1995.

  3. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 2.

  4. Marilyn Frye, The Politics of Reality: Essays In Feminist Theory (Freedom, California: The Crossing Press, 1983) 129. Frye's marvelous term, missionary sexuality, is defined as "sexuality organized around male-dominant, female-subordinate genital intercourse".

  5. In Love Between Equals, Pepper Schwartz used the terms, peer, near-peer, and traditional to denote the amount of male dominance in marriage. However, those terms are euphemisms and do not accurately describe the male power dynamics in the relationships. Schwartz should have said something like near-peer, modern patriarchal, and standard patriarchal. Although they came quite close, none of her "peer" couples were really feminist/egalitarian. She even admits that "near peer" marriage is "just a step to the left of traditional (read: patriarchal) marriage." (p. 47).

  6. See Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999), Rhona Mahoney, Kidding Ourselves: Breadwinning, Babies, and Bargaining Power (New York: Basic Books, 1995), Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994), and Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996). For a fine radical feminist critique of these liberal feminist blindspots, see Marianne Walters, Betty Carter, Peggy Papp, Olga Silverstein, The Invisble Web: Gender Patterns in Family Relationships (New York: The Guilford Press, 1988) 209.

  7. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 8-19.

  8. Linda Yniguez's interview with Allan G. Johnson on Shrinkrap: The Women's Forum, www.adrenalineradio.com, December 1, 2000.

  9. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) Chapter 8.

  10. Several women in Deutsch's study gave career-based reasons for embracing peer marriage. Also, Scott Coltrane has an interesting story about a Susan and Gary, a couple who started out with "traditional" expections but ended up embracing a peer-leaning model because of Susan's developing commitment to her career as a marriage counselor and divorce mediator. See Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 8-21.

  11. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Really Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999). Several men in Deutsch's study gave the "fairness" rationale. Deutsch's study went a little beyond individualistic personality theories to show how interactions between individuals will influence decisions. The men may have used ethics-based reasons for sharing childcare; however, their commitment to the marriage may also have influenced their decision. A man may do his share of childcare if he loves his spouse more than she loves him and thinks she could divorce him and win custody of the children.

  12. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) Chapter 1.

  13. I abhor the word, traditional, as a way of describing gender relations because all too often, it is a euphemism for patriarchy. However, because so many progressive social researchers refuse to stand up and be counted with the 'p' word, I have decided at times to use the word, traditional. Note that I almost always put in quotes. Why? Because it's my way of conveying the social researchers' message while displaying my contempt for that euphemism.

  14. I have purposefully omitted statistics on the number of peer-leaning couples because it is currently so difficult to get reliable figures. One problem is the lack of a firm across-the-board consensus on what constitutes a fair heterosexual relationship. That statistical challenge, nevertheless, does not negate the fact that peer-leaning relationships really exist.

  15. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 109. Coltrane didn't give names to the Hispanic executive secretary and her mail carrier husband. I assigned the names, Gloria and Hector, to make this essay more "personal".

  16. Pepper Schwartz Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York; The Free Press, 1994) 79-80.

  17. Sara and David (not their real names) are personal friends who have an elementary peer-leaning marriage.

  18. Moira and Bert (not their real names) are personal friends who have an advanced peer-leaning marriage, which can rightly be called a feminist relationship.

  19. Barbara Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998) 101-102. In Risman's study, most of the couples had masters' degrees, Ph.D.'s, and M.D.'s. However, they were not upper middle class or wealthy. Risman warns against thinking that all peer-leaning couples are educationally elite, for she conducted her study in Research Triangle Park, North Carlina, which has more doctorates per capita than any part of the country.

  20. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 178-181; Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework, and Gender Equity (New York; Oxford University Press) 85-115.

  21. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 184.

  22. Stephanie Coontz, The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms with America's Changing Families, (New York: Basic Books, 1997) 115.

  23. Rosalind C. Barnett and Caryl Rivers, She Works, He Works: How Two-Income Families Are Happy, Helathy, and Thriving (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1996); John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (New York: Firestone, 1994); John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

  24. Rosalind C. Barnett and Caryl Rivers, She Works, He Works: How Two-Income Families Are Happy, Helathy, and Thriving (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1996).

  25. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (New York: Firestone, 1994).

  26. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999) 102-103.

  27. Ibid.,103-104.

  28. Ibid., 102. Gottman will vehemently disagree that he's advocating a modernized patriarchy since he says, "I am not advocating any spiritual decisions . . .". But the truth is that when remaining "neutral" in an oppressive situation, he is supporting the status quo.

  29. Allan G. Johnson, The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy (Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1997) x.

  30. Stephanie Coontz, The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms with America's Changing Families, (New York: Basic Books, 1997) 116-117.

  31. Ibid.

  32. Nina Atwood, Be Your Own Dating Service: A Step-By-Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships (New York; Henry Holt, 1996) 170.

  33. I know a 23-year-old woman who read The Rules in desperation and became so incensed that she called 30 girlfriends to her house for a rules-burning party. None of them refused the invitation.

  34. Paula Kamen, Her Way: Young Women Remake the Sexual Revolution (New York: New York University Press, 2000) 61-66.

  35. Naomi B. McCormick, Sexual Salvation: Affirming Women's Sexual Rights and Pleasures (Westport, CT: Praeger, 1994) 18-19.

  36. Ibid.

  37. Nina Atwood coined the term, emotional muscle. See Nina Atwood, Be Your Own Dating Service: A Step-By-Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships (New York: Henry Holt, 1996) 187-188.

  38. John Gray, Mars and Venus On a Date (New York: HarperCollins, 1997) 319.

  39. Naomi B. McCormick, Sexual Salvation: Affirming Women's Sexual Rights and Pleasures (Westport, CT: Praeger, 1994) 19.

  40. Colleen O'Connor, "Sadie Hawkins Day-After: We Had To Ask" in The Dallas Morning News, March 27, 1996, 5C.

  41. Colleen O'Connor, "A Leap For Lovers (And Others) Ladies, Start Your Engines: It's Sadie Hawkins Day!" in The Dallas Morning News, February 29, 1996, 1C.

  42. Peggy McIntosh coined the term, the invisible knapsack of male and white privilege. For her classic statement on the concept of privilege, see Peggy McIntosh, White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming to See Correspondences Through Work in Women's Studies. Widely reprinted, you can find it in Anne Minas (ed.), Gender Basics: Feminist Perspectives on Women and Men (Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 1993), 30-38. You can also find McIntosh's article on the World Wide Web from time to time.

  43. Nina Atwood, Date Lines: Communication From 'Hello' to 'I Do" and Everything in Between (New York: Henry Holt and Co, 1998) 165-184.

  44. Ibid. Atwood has chapters like 'Sex Talks', 'You and Me and Money', 'The You and Me Conversation', 'Handling Hot Topics' and 'You and Me and Commitment'. However, she never has anything close to 'You and Me and Patriarchy'. Even though Atwood's views on initiation and money are far more liberal than Gray's, she still recommends Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus to her clients (p. 259).

  45. Nina Atwood, Accomplished Women Seeking An Equal, June 15, 1998,
    http://www.singlescoach.com/col061598.html

  46. Greta Gaard, Ecological Politics: Ecofeminism and the Greens (Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1998) 309.

  47. Steven P. Schacht and Doris W. Ewing, eds., Feminism and Men: Reconstructing Gender Relations (New York: New York University Press, 1998) 138. Schacht doesn't excuse men from making sexist remarks. He just says a man must back up his feminist rhetoric with action.

  48. Michael S. Kimmel and Thomas E. Mosmiller, eds., Against the Tide: Pro-Feminist Men in the United States, 1776-1990 (Boston: Beacon Press, 1992) 35, 325-330.

  49. John Gray, Children Are From Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident and Compassionate Children (New York: HarperCollins, 1999) 304.

  50. Gina Ogden, "What Planet Are We On?" in New Age Journal, January/February 1998, 52.

  51. John Gray, What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know (New York: HarperCollins, 1994) 268.

  52. John Gray, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (New York: HarperCollins, 1992) 150.

  53. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 66.

  54. John Gottman,The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

  55. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 30.

  56. Billy Graham, Just As I Am: The Autobiography of Billy Graham (New York: HarperCollins, 1997) 698-714.

  57. Ibid., 714.

  58. Linda Raney Wright, A Cord of Three Strands (Old Tappan, New Jersey: Fleming H. Revell Co., 1987) 109.

  59. Billy Graham, Just As I Am: The Autobiography of Billy Graham (New York: HarperCollins, 1997) 702-710.

  60. Laurie Beyer, "Taking the Word Around the World: A Face to Face Interview with Anne Graham Lott" in Just Between Us, Winter/Spring 2000. http://www.justbetweenus.org/2_00/facetoface.html

  61. Statement on Men, Women, and Biblical Equality (see Item #4 in the Applications section), www.cbeinternational.org

  62. Bill and Lynne Hybels, Fit to Be Tied: Making Marriage Last a Lifetime (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1991) 191.

  63. Ibid., 191-200.

  64. Ibid., 147, 191-206.

  65. Ibid., 148.

  66. Ibid., 154.

  67. Ibid., 148.

  68. Ibid., 153.

  69. Ibid., 171.

  70. John Gray, Men and Women Online: Married Men
    http://www.zdnet.com/yil/content/mag/9612/gray/grayans8mm.html Unfortunately, Yahoo removed its infamous interview in the Summer, 2001.

  71. John Gray, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (New York: HarperCollins, 1992) 6-7.

  72. Ibid.

  73. John Gray, What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know (New York: HarperCollins, 1994) 356-358.

  74. Ibid., 372.

  75. Ibid., 370.

  76. Ibid., 363-365.

  77. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 215.

  78. Ibid.

  79. Lynne Segal, Straight Sex: Rethinking the Politics of Pleasure (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1994) 267.

  80. Barbara Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998) 11.

  81. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 92-94.

  82. Barbara Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998) 102.

  83. See Barbara Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998); Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Work (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999); Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994); Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996); Allan G. Johnson, The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy (Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1997); and Stephanie Coontz, The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms with America's Changing Families (New York: Basic Books, 1997).

  84. I used questions marks because there is no equivalent male term for bitch. Mainstream dictionaries do define castration as removal of the ovaries. But since ovaries have no cultural association with power, castration is never associated with women, as in "He castrated her."

  85. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999).

  86. Barbara Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998) 112.

  87. See Michael Edward Melody and Linda M. Peterson, Teaching America About Sex : Marriage Guides and Sex Manuals from the Late Victorians to Dr. Ruth (New York: New York University Press, 1999) for an incisive survey of the history of sex manuals. While this book is an excellent source of information about the politics of "pop" sex education, it says nothing about "Dr" Gray's works. However, I'm fairly certain that future books of this sort will have critiques of the Mars&Venus phenomenon.

  88. Michael Moorcock and Andrea Dworkin, "Fighting Talk" in New Statesman & Society, April 21, 1995.
    http://www.igc.org/Womensnet/dworkin/MoorcockInterview.html

  89. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 77-78.

  90. Ibid., 71-76.

  91. Ibid.

  92. Ibid., 95.

  93. Ibid., 98-99.

  94. Ibid., 99.

  95. Ibid., 108.

  96. Ibid., 79-80.

  97. Ibid., 101-102.

  98. Ibid., 103-107.

  99. Ibid., 107.

  100. Ibid., 85-86. While Schwartz never said that the CEO's S&M partner was a prostitute, it's difficult for me to believe she was his wife or significant other. In conversations with men about S&M, I've found that several think "dominatrix" prostitutes are intriguing but still want their wives or girlfriends to stay in the missionary position.

  101. John Gray, What Your Father Didn't Know and Your Father Couldn't Tell You (New York: HarperCollins, 1994) 125-126.

  102. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 143.

  103. Barbara Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998); Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999); Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994); Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996).

  104. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 5.

  105. Ibid., 131-133.

  106. See Robert Frank, Parenting Partners: How to Encourage Dads to Participate in the Lives of Their Children (New York: St. Martin's Press, 2000); and Marilyn Gardner, "90's Pioneers: When Mom Works and Dad's at Home" in The Christian Science Monitor, December 4, 1996,1. While neither work displays any understanding of patriarchy, both unwittingly show the depth of double standards for at-home mothers and fathers. Robert Frank, who has a Ph.D. in educational psychology from Loyola University, has done the first published research on white, middle class breadwinner mother/at-home father families in the United States.

  107. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 123; and Stephanie Coontz, The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms with America's Changing Families, (New York: Basic Books, 1997) 69.

  108. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 117, 136-137.

  109. Ibid., 136.

  110. John Gray, What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know (New York: HarperCollins, 1994), 131.

  111. Ibid., 124-125.

  112. Ibid., 124-127.

  113. Ibid., 128-129.

  114. This is a paraphrase of sociologist Allan G. Johnson's commentary on John Gray. See Linda Yniguez's interview with Dr. Johnson on Shrinkrap: The Women's Forum,
    www.adrenalineradio.com, December 1, 2000.

  115. "Researchers Say 'Active Listening' Won't Keep Couples Tuned-in For A Happy Marriage", An NHNE News Update: New Advice for Couples, February 20, 1998. John Gottman stunned the whole therapy community with his research that "active listening" has absolutely no effect on marriage, for it requires "emotional gymnastics" in the midst of conflict.
    http://www.nhne.com/newsflashes/nfnewadvicecouples.html

  116. See Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 30; Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 8-22, 76-80; Michael Kimmel, The Gendered Society (New York: Oxford University Press, 2000) 12, 78; and John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994) 149.

  117. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 58.

  118. John Gray, What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know (New York: HarperCollins, 1994) 124-131.

  119. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 17.

  120. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 55-58. Schwartz is referring to sociologist Francesca Cancion's observation that most men think of love as doing good deeds while most women conceptualize love as an act of emotional sharing.

  121. Ibid., 63.

  122. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 15.

  123. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 187.

  124. Ibid., 65.

  125. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 63.

  126. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 84.

  127. William David Spencer, "More than 'Vacuum Cleaner Commandos': Affirming Egalitarian Males" in The Priscilla Papers, Winter 1991. The Priscilla Papers is the newsletter for Christians for Biblical Equality.

  128. This story comes from Allan G. Johnson's lecture on "Loving As Equals In Spite of Patriarchy". Paraphrased with email permission from the author, November 2000.

  129. Ibid.

  130. Allan G. Johnson, The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy (Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1997) x.

  131. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994) 155. Gottman makes statements like "Out of a group of fifty self-described "liberated" men . . ." and "One study showed . . .". However, he never gives citations, an intolerable flaw in a respected researcher like Gottman. As I said before, every activist has horror stories about betrayal by men who declare themselves feminists. However, a few men really are committed. To ignore them is to perpetuate patriarchy.

  132. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 153.

  133. See Michael Kimmel, The Gendered Society (New York: Oxford University Press, 2000) 126-130 for a concise summary of north American social research on women, men and housework. Kimmel notes that "Both women and men over-report the amount of housework they do--men overreport by about 150 percent, more than double the overreporting by women (68 percent)." He also notes that black men do more housework than white men. "In more than one-fourth of all black families, men do more than 40 percent of the housework . . .In white families, only 16 percent of the men do that much."

  134. John Gray, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (NewYork: HarperCollins, 1992) Chapter 12.

  135. Barbara Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998) 100-101.

  136. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 4.

  137. Francine M. Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works, (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 78, 93-100, 227.

  138. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 74-76.

  139. Marianne Walters, Betty Carter, Peggy Papp, Olga Silverstein, The Invisble Web: Gender Patterns in Family Relationships (New York: The Guilford Press, 1988) 209.

  140. Barbara J. Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families In Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998) 117.

  141. Ibid., 114.

  142. Ibid., 107-108.

  143. Jack and Jill is a description of the standard "man leads and woman follows" pattern in north American swing dancing. Many swing dance contests nowadays are divided into two categories: "Jack and Jill" and "The Luck of the Draw". In the later category, the woman can lead, the man can follow, the man and woman can exchange the lead and follow, or the couple can be single-sex. But in the former category, the patriarchal patterns remain. I was so amused by the Jack and Jill term that I decided to use it in my descriptions of male-dominated heterosexual relationships.

  144. Betty Carter and Joan K. Peters, Love, Honor, and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work (New York: Pocket Books, 1996).

  145. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 147.

  146. Ibid., 174.

  147. See Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 10; and Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Work (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 173-177 for a discussion of many peer-leaning parents' ambivalence towards daycare. While neither author mentioned the intersection of class and gender, I know one couple who won't have children because of the strong possibility that the culture will force them to exploit a working class woman. See Barbara Ehrenreich, "Maid to Order" in Harpers, April 2000.

  148. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 262.

  149. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 8-10.

  150. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 178-179.

  151. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 173.

  152. Ibid., 172.

  153. Ibid.

  154. Ibid.

  155. Ibid., 173.

  156. John Gray, Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus (New York: HarperColllins, 1992) 50,177.

  157. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 159-161.

  158. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 12-19.

  159. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 66.

  160. Ibid., 102.

  161. Ibid, 227.

  162. Barbara J. Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families In Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998) 102-103.

  163. Write to Christians for Biblical Equality; 122 West Franklin Avenue, Suite 218; Minneapolis, MN 55404 or go to www.cbeinternational.org to get information on the marriage conference they sponsored in September 2000.

  164. Jack Balswick, Men at the Crossroads: Beyond Traditional Roles and Modern Options (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1992) 204-206. At best, Balswick's suggestions for men (i.e., go to a men's conference, keep a gender journal, get into a men's group) will only modernize hegemonic masculinity. They will only help men adapt to new circumstances without challenging them to break down the social structures which perpetuate their gender privilege.

  165. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 30.

  166. Ruth Haley Barton, Equal to the Task: Men and Women in Partnership (Downers Grove, IL: Inter-Varsity Press, 1998) 103-108.

  167. In the 80's and early 90's, CBE respected secular feminist achievements while taking an "agree to disagree" approach on such issues as same-sex marriage. The organization recommended good pro-feminist books by Elaine Storkey and Mary Stewart van Leeuwen and Cynthia Neal gave an excellent, highly respectful summary of secular feminist theories at the 1991 Conference at Wheaton College. However, since the mid-90's, CBE has grown increasingly mean-spirited towards secular feminism, as exemplified by its support of "conservative feminist" Rebecca Merrill Groothuis.

  168. Jack Balswick, Men at the Crossroads: Beyond Traditional Roles and Modern Options (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1992) 38-62. Aside from Balswick's support of male supremacist Robert Bly, he took a mild evangelical feminist position, which endorses most liberal feminist goals and opposes pornography and prostitution. However, he never explained or challenged patriarchy. Nor did he insist that all men take equal responsibility for it. Unfortunately, Men at the Crossroads is not in the same league as Allan Johnson's The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy.

  169. See Ruth Haley Barton, "A Comparision and contrast of Womanist and Feminist Theology and Experience" in The Priscilla Papers, Fall 1995, where she writes: "Many feminists . . . have often demonstrated a hatred or at least a lack of respect for men." Haley Barton doesn't realize how much she has internalized our culture's double standard of respect and hate. In Becoming a Woman of Strength: 14 Life Challenges for Women (Wheaton, IL: Harold Shaw Publishers, 1999) 17, she writes: "In the 60's, we burned our bras (I use the editorial "we"--I wasn't wearing one yet!)." Haley Barton not only needs to apologize for a joke which trivializes feminist struggles, she needs to check her facts--feminists never burned their bras. In that same book, she writes on page 18: "In her article, "The Failure of Feminism," Kay Ebeling observes, 'In general, feminism gave men all the financial and personal advantages over women. What's worse, we asked for it.'" Haley does not refute that inane comment. While she approvingly quotes from such feminists as Carol Tavris and Harriet Goldhor Lerner, she never gives feminism any credit for their insights.

  170. Gina Ogden, "What Planet Are We On?" in New Age Journal, January/February 1998, 54.

  171. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 66.

  172. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 90.

  173. Ibid., 93-96.

  174. Pepper Schwartz, Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (New York: The Free Press, 1994) 167.

  175. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 22.

  176. Barbara J. Risman, Gender Vertigo: American Families In Transition (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1998) 140.

  177. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996) 19.

  178. Ibid., 12.

  179. Paula Kamen, Her Way: Young Women Remake the Sexual Revolution (New York: New York University Press, 2000).

  180. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999) 16-17.

  181. Ibid., 102.

  182. Ibid., 205. Gottman is misinterpreting research which shows that women lose interest in sex when their husbands domestically exploit them. He also fails to see a difference between men's willingness to do housework and their actual performance of it. Women may regain some interest in sex when their husbands do a little housework, but that doesn't mean they find it "extremely erotic". Gottman again is perpetuating patriarchy by offering a "deal": men will do a little bit of housework on their own terms in exchange for male-dominated intercourse.

  183. bid., 139. Gottman never tells men to ask their spouses how to manage a home and care for children. Like all patriarchalists, he assumes that "women's work" takes no skill and that it's demeaning for men to ask their spouses to coach them on household management.

  184. Ibid., 202. Gottman conflates sex with intercourse. In Gottman's view, any sexual activity that doesn't involve intercourse is considered "sensuality", which again shows that he believes male sexuality is superior to female sexuality.

  185. Ibid., 110-111.

  186. Ibid., 111. An example of his trashing of feminism includes his reasons why men need to be "influenced" by their wives ("Maybe all this sounds like a feminist line but it's also the reality"). Gottman tries to placate feminists in the introduction, where he writes, "I also wish to acknowledge the contributions of Peggy Papp and Pepper Schwartz and their feminist approach to gender differences and egalitarian marriages."(p. viii) Gottman's statement implies that there is a "non-feminist" approach and a "feminist" approach to equality--and that the "non-feminist" approach really promotes gender equity. However, only radical feminism, with its sharp analysis and critique of our male supremacist social system, has the intellectual firepower to advocate true gender justice in any type of heterosexual relationship.

  187. Francine Deutsch, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1999) 193-94.


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